wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
