Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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