Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
time to smoke my breakfast
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
