At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
