I wish I could teleport
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
