We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
