If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
