I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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