I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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