if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
