I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
