Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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