By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
