She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
