Girls should come with a carfax report
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pants are for mortals
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
