Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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