So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
