three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
