she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
