Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize