My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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