so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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