I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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