if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
