I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
