You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
