Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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