you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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