Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
