What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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