Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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