If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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