Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
