Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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