OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
