my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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