Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
