My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
