is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
