i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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