Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
