Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
