Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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