I cannot find my penis.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
