I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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