Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
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Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
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she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.