I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
