I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
