Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In other news, I just burned my penis
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
