If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
