Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
