So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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