My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
