Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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