forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
