do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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