I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
